Why I Stopped Helping People And You Should Too

Why I Stopped Helping People And You Should Too

My mother taught me never to give unsolicited advice, nor try to help anyone unless they ask you for it. I always thought that maybe she was just cold. As I get older, I have started to realize that she was right. My mother is one of the kindest people in my life.

Society always emphasizes on the need to help people. I do it too.

They tell you that you should help people unconditionally and when they least expect it. None of that is, of course, wrong. Random acts of kindness can change a person’s life in many instances. However, there is a flip side to every coin. And it is essential not to mask the other half of the impact of any such gesture.

Ying Yang Quote

Not everything is bad. Same as, not everything is good. There is the good in bad. And there is the bad in good. It’s not necessarily the worst idea to help people. But it’s also neither a great one. And here are the reasons why I personally stopped helping people and recommend that you should too:

1. Stop Helping People Who Don’t Deserve Your Help

It’s not always an easy thing to do. We were taught helping people is the right thing to do. You need to unlearn this popular belief.

“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.” ~ Sam Levenson

Start-up founders often ask to pick my brain. I realize how difficult it is to run a start-up, I run one myself. However, I have stopped offering my knowledge for free.

In the past, quite a lot of times people would invite me out for coffee just to “pick my brain.” If you have a few million dollars in the bank from VCs, rummaging through my brain for free is not acceptable, especially if you didn’t even bother paying for my tea.

They don’t understand that I have a family to feed, mortgages to pay, deadlines to meet. They don’t realize that in order to make time for coffee, I would have to compensate for that lost time and stay up until 2 in the morning just to work.

If they don’t think my time is worth any value, then I don’t have time for them!

If people don’t care about you, you shouldn’t help them. They don’t deserve your help.

Now I simply tell people my hourly rate and take out my Square. Yes, it’s harsh, but it makes my life easier and I am happier for it. People take me more seriously. If someone cannot afford my advice, I usually give them another way to compensate for it.

Rule 1: Never offer anything for free.

Rule 2: Never forget Rule 1.

Next time if someone asks you to speak at their conference for free, don’t agree before you negotiate for the best deal. If they cannot afford you, ask for a free booth, time to promote your business or maybe free tickets to the conference. It will show whether they are serious about having you be present at their conference.

People will always try to exploit you if you allow them to. You don’t have the time to help everyone, only help people who deserve your help.

Remember, the first person you need to help is YOURSELF.

If helping people makes you unhappy, don’t do it. Simple.

Sometimes you have to be selfish and put yourself before anyone else. Ignore what society is urging you to do.

Why I Stop Helping People and You Should Too

2.  Stop Helping People Who Don’t Appreciate Your Help

My biggest weakness is that I like to help people.

I help people, regardless of the fact that they asked for it or not. But you never know when that sort of philosophy could hurt you.

A former client of mine wasn’t doing well. My team spent a few days analyzing all the data and trends to figure out what the problems were. That wasn’t part of our retainer and I didn’t bill them. We did it because we cared about the client’s success. My team found some serious problems with the client’s business model and strategy. We showed the client our findings, and they fired us on the spot.

We did something out of compassion for our client. We told the client what they didn’t want to hear. We lost an account because we tried to help. And in the end, we made someone hate us for giving our professional opinion.

The easiest way to turn your friend into an enemy is offering them advice they don’t want to hear.

When I offer someone my help, I actually want to help. But a lot of the time, people are not ready to accept my help. It is normal. Everything takes time to change and most people don’t want it.

You shouldn’t offer advice when people are not prepared to entertain it, or they could one day come back and blame you when it doesn’t work out for them.

I stopped helping people who don’t want my help. Less drama, more time for myself.

 

Stop Helping People Who Don't Appreciate Your Help;

3. Stop Helping People If You Can’t Put 100% Into It

This is the most critical one. Offering someone help when you are not ready to help is a big no-no. I have done this so many times, and until today I still regret doing it.

A few years ago, my parents were out of the country and asked me to look after their house. I don’t know how to water the plants at all. Some of them I poured too much water and some I gave very little. A month later when my parents came back, all the plants had died. If I didn’t offer to help, someone who knows how to take care of plants would have done it, and my father’s precious plants would be alive today. They never let me touch a plant again.

Helping people when you don’t have the skills or time will do more harm than good.

Offering help when you can’t do a good job will do more harm than good. It’s like being blind and teaching someone else how to paint. You make people miss the opportunities to find better help. Your kindness can hurt people too, in some instances. One of the easiest ways to destroy a relationship is by offering help that you can’t deliver.

Stop Helping People If You Can't Put 100% Into I

At the end of the day, everything can be good or bad. We all need to strive to find the right balance between the two.

Always think it through carefully, before you offer to help someone else. If you don’t, it has the potential to cost you your time, your money and the relationships you hold dear to yourself (personal or professional).

A random act of kindness can change someone’s life, but it can also destroy one too.

Photo credits: Yin Yang ,Mimi & Eunice Comics by Nina Paley

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Chi
Chi
10 years ago

That’s so brutally honest, but it’s 100% true. Someone had to say it, and I’m glad that you did.

CamMi Pham
10 years ago
Reply to  Chi

I am glad that you like it :)

DoTime21
10 years ago

CamMi, yes it is a shame we must view helping others in this manner, but you are correct. I’ve helped others, and still do, but now they have to be in dire need.

As you’ve mentioned, too many people out there who will abuse your own precious time. And as you know, time is one of our most valuable resources.

CamMi Pham
10 years ago
Reply to  DoTime21

agree we can earn everything else but we cannot get back time

Lincoln Parks
10 years ago

In my Profession you must only work with those that truly want it and need it. There are some people that just want to complain, and I can’t work with those individuals. I get paid to help people succeed, and even still many don’t accept the help. So I agree to a point that you need to help where you are needed, and the person has humility to accept the help and move forward.

CamMi Pham
10 years ago
Reply to  Lincoln Parks

Do you mind I ask what do you do?

Quaisha Thornton
10 years ago

About 90% of the time I help people, I’m getting burned

CamMi Pham
10 years ago

you are not alone, it happens to me all the time

Anthony
10 years ago

I thought about helping you by retweeting this, but then I had to rethink it after reading ;-)

CamMi Pham
10 years ago
Reply to  Anthony

haha :) this is why I love you

TantienHime
10 years ago

Thanks for supporting what I’ve been thinking lately. I’m slowly “divesting” myself of all the volunteer work or things that aren’t making me money because I’m being under-appreaciated in much of it and it takes up a lot of time and effort. Glad to know that I’m not the only one. Much appreciated.

CamMi Pham
10 years ago
Reply to  TantienHime

It is okay to give back to the community but you need to make everything every clear from beginning or else people will take advantage of you.

Victor Escobar
Victor Escobar
3 years ago
Reply to  TantienHime

I have volunteered in the past with various organisations, but I make stipulations and set boundaries up front. The reason there is such high attrition with charitable entities is that few of them truly value the time and goodwill of those who volunteer. Many such charities pay the CEO handsomely or spend donations foolishly, then complain they have no money to pay anyone for services rendered.

Mervi (tasselflower)
10 years ago

Makes sense. In times people don’t even want help. It’s also very difficult to know when to help and when not to help. I do also do stuff for free and yes, I’m totally broke. Silly me.

CamMi Pham
10 years ago

When people don’t want any help, that is like the worst situation. You need to give them some time

Jeanette
Jeanette
10 years ago

Sometimes the easiest way to turn your friend into enemy is offering them advice they don’t want to hear.

Thankyou thankyou thankyou…..

This is why I keep going around in circles in life. Now I get it.

You have changed my life.

CamMi Pham
10 years ago
Reply to  Jeanette

hugs :)

trackback

[…] told people to marry money, lie on a resume, don’t go to college, steal to be successful, and stop helping people. It’s not the first time I’ve written a blog post that is going to upset a lot of […]

bill gredic
1 year ago

I did falsifying in the work hunting and got the job and got premoted so it was a win win for me and the company

linda flynn
linda flynn
3 years ago

I am tired of seeing families being dished out extra money and food – selfishness- they are getting cash-food stamps++ so they have hundreds and some in their accounts but line up at food shelves – food drops and other food sites for more while the homeless and elderly and other poor who earn just above guidelines are starving. It is horrible to see elderly having to beg for help or go hungry. Why not help all instead of wasting on those who are becoming dependent on handouts they feel intitled to. This food handout in addition to stimulus checks… Read more »

Bradley Harwood
Bradley Harwood
3 years ago

The general conflicts of today’s world. I will hold tightly to your advice because I have experienced the things that you mentioned above.

Bradley Harwood
Bradley Harwood
3 years ago

There was this guy that I likened unto a butcher because he asked me to help him do some work for $100 that wasn’t going to take the whole day, so I agreed. Then he kept on asking me to work for him and he only paid me $50 a day from morning and sometimes till after hours with no overtime pay. Then he would howl and squeal like a bitch at me when he was having problems with his jobs that was his problem that he was only paying me $50 a day to help him. He refused to… Read more »

Victor Escobar
Victor Escobar
3 years ago

Excellent article. One thing I’ve learned is that most people don’t place freebies in high regard. If they have to pay for something, they take much better care of it. Same thing with ‘free’ help. Most people will lose respect for you (even if just a bit) because you’re undervaluing yourself and your most precious resource: time. True friends will be perfectly happy with (insisting on it, even!) compensating you for your efforts. Ditto for extended family. If someone feels entitled to your time, drop that toxic individual immediately.

Ann
Ann
3 years ago

This is a go-too for me. Thank you Cami.

Ron
Ron
3 years ago

Helping other as a business is not the same as helping others. There is a difference in monetized help and socialized help

Gwen
Gwen
3 years ago

Thank you so much. I realize it too when I’m growing up. Helping people is not always safe for them. We are not nurturing their learning and giving them an easy way without learning and become rotten.

Christopher
Christopher
2 years ago

Great article. I see so many people who dont help themselves and they ask people for free stuff and are not willing to get help.

justice
justice
2 years ago

Duality is a luciferian belief, not accurate to reality. So really, you’re just preaching your luciferianism, and it’s not true whatsoever. You have literally no basis for any of this except your own mind. Luciferian belief: ‘do what thou wilt is the whole of the law’ Really, that’s what you’re preaching, and has no basis in reality. For example, there is no such thing as ‘cold’. Cold is simply the word we use to describe something ‘lacking heat’. Therefore, technically, ‘cold’ doesn’t exist. There is no “opposite” of hot. It’s ‘heat’ and ‘not-heat’. Just like ‘sin’ is the absence of… Read more »

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